It's just tidier when you use a drinking receptacle

Bro 1: Yo, he left it right there.

Bro 2: I know, right?

Bro 1: The least he could'a done is buy me a bottle before we shared bodily fluids.

-dark place in my mind

No, I just remembered something funny that happened before

McDonalds manager: Is Cab back there?

silence

McDonalds manager: Is Julie back there?

more silence

McDonalds manager: Are you guys laughing at me because they're not answering?

-McDonalds at Weston and 401

See the American housing market in the last decade for a perfect counterexample

First ditzy girl: Well, like, the real estate agent doesn't actually sell the house, y'know?

Second ditzy girl: What do they do then? What happens to the 4%?

First ditzy girl: The real estate agent gets 2% and the person who sells the house gets 2%. That makes 4%. And that's actually a lot of money because, like, houses don't sell for $5.00.

-Vari Hall

Warning: Be careful when coming into contact with derivations. Injury may occur.

Logic Professor: You can't touch anything inside of the show box. It's like an electric fence. ZAP! You're dead.

-York University

Everyone knows the side to sneak in on is the west entrance

TTC police: Hey! You're coming with us!

Fare-dodger: But I was just about to pay the fare...

TTC police: Nope, too late.

-Wellesley Station

He's just a regular fancy pants, he is

Woman in jacket: He's one of those fancy plumbers, with a fancy name and a-

Employee: -and a fancy title!

Woman in jacket: Right. And he's so fancy he doesn't turn the water on after he's done to check his work.

Employee: He caused a fancy flood.

-office

Is THAT what this bottle makes me do?

Mother: Why'd you get on the floor?

Daughter: What are you talking about?

Mother: You danced. You never dance. Are you loaded?

-table at a party

That's what the Advil is for

Man with constant half-smile: BUMP! That was a bump!

Passenger beside him: Nobody cares.

Smiling Man: Nooo, the bus driver cares!

-73 Royal York bus

It's green and red and slimy all over

Woman: Oh god, I can't drink that. You guys are going to kill me!

Man: You can't drink too much? What's that look like?

Woman: (thinks) I'll let you know when I feel it.

-barbecue party