It's just tidier when you use a drinking receptacle

Bro 1: Yo, he left it right there.

Bro 2: I know, right?

Bro 1: The least he could'a done is buy me a bottle before we shared bodily fluids.

-dark place in my mind

No, I just remembered something funny that happened before

McDonalds manager: Is Cab back there?

silence

McDonalds manager: Is Julie back there?

more silence

McDonalds manager: Are you guys laughing at me because they're not answering?

-McDonalds at Weston and 401

See the American housing market in the last decade for a perfect counterexample

First ditzy girl: Well, like, the real estate agent doesn't actually sell the house, y'know?

Second ditzy girl: What do they do then? What happens to the 4%?

First ditzy girl: The real estate agent gets 2% and the person who sells the house gets 2%. That makes 4%. And that's actually a lot of money because, like, houses don't sell for $5.00.

-Vari Hall

Warning: Be careful when coming into contact with derivations. Injury may occur.

Logic Professor: You can't touch anything inside of the show box. It's like an electric fence. ZAP! You're dead.

-York University

Everyone knows the side to sneak in on is the west entrance

TTC police: Hey! You're coming with us!

Fare-dodger: But I was just about to pay the fare...

TTC police: Nope, too late.

-Wellesley Station

He's just a regular fancy pants, he is

Woman in jacket: He's one of those fancy plumbers, with a fancy name and a-

Employee: -and a fancy title!

Woman in jacket: Right. And he's so fancy he doesn't turn the water on after he's done to check his work.

Employee: He caused a fancy flood.

-office

Is THAT what this bottle makes me do?

Mother: Why'd you get on the floor?

Daughter: What are you talking about?

Mother: You danced. You never dance. Are you loaded?

-table at a party

That's what the Advil is for

Man with constant half-smile: BUMP! That was a bump!

Passenger beside him: Nobody cares.

Smiling Man: Nooo, the bus driver cares!

-73 Royal York bus

It's green and red and slimy all over

Woman: Oh god, I can't drink that. You guys are going to kill me!

Man: You can't drink too much? What's that look like?

Woman: (thinks) I'll let you know when I feel it.

-barbecue party

How skinny people avoid the CRA

Young woman: Where did Jonathan go? I just saw him a second ago.

Man with baseball cap: (shrugs) I'm not sure. He was (waves arms around) here and (waves arms again) there.

Young woman: Maybe he's hiding?

Man with baseball cap: (shrugs again) He could be.

Young woman: But he's (holds arms out) this big. He can't hide that easily. Now you on the other hand. You stand sideways and you disappear!

-Kipling station

How many food groups do popsicles cover?

Harried mother to six-year-old son: Okay fine, Cooper. You take the money and do all the shopping today.

-Costco

And that's why The Fast and the Furious needed six movies

Daughter, staring through the window into the garage: Your car still doesn't have its tires on.

Mother: It'll run on looove.

Mechanic: That's how all car chases happen.

-Canadian Tire auto department

If Muhammad won't go to the mountain, the mountain will come to Muhammad

Announcer over the intercom: Please be advised that this upcoming Saturday and Sunday there will be no service between Bloor and Union stations. For passengers traveling south of Bloor station, there will be accessible shuttle buses on both days.

Man walking by: Look at that. Hell will be here in one day.

-Spadina station

The magic of the music keeps them young and fresh-faced

Ditzy girl: His test was, like, sooo hard today.

Ditzy girl's friend: Right?

Ditzy girl: Like, that essay question? The history one? Why can't we just write about history that's interesting?

Ditzy girl's friend: Yeah, like Glee. That's been on forever.

-73 Royal York bus

Unfortunately, Houdini still had to take his meds before bed

Counsellor: Hey, what's up?

Heavy-set man: Not much. You?

Counsellor: Same. Where's Mike?

Heavy-set man: Oh, he bailed today. He bailed the other day, too.

Counsellor: Man, I remember one time in Whitby this guy bailed thirteen times in one day.

Heavy-set man: Thirteen times??

Counsellor: Yup, in one day.

-CAMH on College

Repeat after me: om...

Boy, looking at a tennis ball flying over his head: Oh, come on!

Mother: No, you come on!

Boy: But YOU hit it too high.

-tennis court

Aim higher to get your point across

Father to his four-year-old son: You need to start behaving during martial. arts. class. Do you understand?

Kid responds with shin-kicking.

Father: No! That means you do not kick your daddy!

Six-year-old brother: Hi-ya! Hiii-YA!

-35E Jane bus

You have to say Open Sesame

Black girl sitting inside of bus shelter: Omigod, where is the 'A' bus?

Other black girl, snapping gum: It's coming, yo.

*both scurry to the front of the line*

First black girl, to the bus doors: Hurry UP, dammit!

*doors magically open*

Other black girl: Cool.

-Jane and Eglinton

Make sure you do it in the dark so nobody can see

Mom, gingerly tapping at an iPhone: So that means I can read all the notes on her Facebook?

Daughter: Yeah.

Mom: Cool! I'm going to creep her.

But his backspin has no love

Little kid: Ow!

Father: Don't throw your racquet at your brother!

Other little kid: Why not?

Father: Because you can't. It's not part of the game.

-tennis court

I thought it was the, you know, toilet homunculus

Distracted-looking woman on her cell phone: My toilet's not working and I need someone to take a look at it.

pause

Distracted woman: Well, the water keeps running and the toilet won't stop making noises.

another pause

Distracted woman: Oh, it's been happening for a couple of months now.

-Tim Horton's on Lakeshore Blvd

But I do have a blow-up doll you can borrow

Goateed Guy: How youuu doin'? How's your day goin'?

Girl: (laughs) Good, thank you. How's your day?

Goateed Guy: It'd be better if I had a girlfriend in my truck who didn't complain.

Girl: Guess that takes me out of the running. I'm up for Nag of the Year.

-by Kipling Station

Sorry, can you repeat that?

Don Cherry, in a commercial before the movie is about to begin: Remember now, be quiet when the movie starts! I don't like all this loud business going on.

Ron McLean: That's rich, eh, Don? Look at what you're wearing!

Moviegoer munching on popcorn: Get it? It's because Don Cherry and his suits are loud and he's complaining about loud people!

-Think Like a Man at Queensway Cineplex

Now announcing: This morning's door prize winner

Plumber with shaved head: It's not that I hate cyclists, it's just that...

Plumber with toque: ...it's just not our fault if our coffees fly out the window!

*both giggle*

Plumber with shaved head: And watch out for flying cigarettes!

Plumber with toque: Cover your eyes, cyclists!

-Two plumbers talking over a morning coffee.

Behind every big spender is a...

Bro 1: I spent too much money in the hotels last week.

Bro 2: Yeah, you gotta stop doin' that.

Bro 1: I need to go to the shops. I can't spend anymore money in the hotels. It's too much.

-110 Islington bus going south